The Late, Late Show with William Gallas. Guest starring Mr. Linesman

Dear Mr. Linesman,

You've never met me, but I would like to marry you. We need more fellows like you with sharp eyes. I know it must have been a difficult job (if mine was to watch the likes to O'Shea, Brown, or Ferdinand I'm pretty sure I would cry myself to sleep at night) but we appreciate you. So I salute you Mr. Linesman-who-made-an-amazing-call-in-the-final-minute.


Dear William Gallas,

You fucked up by deflecting that goal. However then you scored a goal. I know that playing for Chelsea probably means you were taught to be a cunt... so keep fighting against it and work on just scoring goals and not on deflecting them into our own goal. That said, you deserve to have supermodels throw themselves at you. You are a beautiful man.

Most Sincerely,
The Lady Gooner

Guiness Book Record Holders and no match?!

Dear Fox Soccer Channel,

Just so you realize, you are pretty much my one shot a week to watch an Arsenal game. I have to live without watching Carling Cup and UEFA Cup matches as it is, so do yourself a favor and broadcast our Premiership fixtures. We have the world record for number of fans, so don't give me the whole "viewers aren't interested" bullshit. Seriously, in what world will more people watch a Portsmouth v. Reading game than Arsenal v. West Ham? I've never even met a Reading fan in the States! That's all.

The Lady Gooner

Field Identifications

Dear FSC Commentators,

Last year I became concerned with the eyesight of certain referees during a certain Carling Cup final send off. However, it has recently come to my attention that perhaps I should be more concerned about your eyesight. When it becomes difficult to tell Sagna from Hleb, it is time to visit the optometrist. That's all.

The Lady Gooner